We Need To Talk

In the last three weeks, I’ve made multiple phone calls to African-American friends around the country, as well as police officers among my friends and family. When this whole thing started by the senseless murder in Minneapolis, and before the demonstrations began, and the subsequent rioting and violence, what I heard repeatedly was, we need to have conversations.Do you talk to people you think you might disagree with or are uncomfortable with? It’s really the only way we are going to see our way forward in all this. Whites and blacks need to talk. Police and civilians need to talk. Whoever it is that you try to keep your distance from, you need to talk.If you are surrounded only be people who always agree with you, then you don’t even know what you really believe. If everyone agrees with you, you’ve never been challenged. It’s not until you have to articulate your views and thought process leading to those views, before you even know where your opinions come from, and whether or not they are logical and reasonable. For a lot of people, they only believe what they’ve heard others say, and they feel threatened whenever those views are challenged, thinking in their hearts that people on the other side are evil. But because of that attitude, they wouldn't hold up well in a rational debate with an informed and reasonable challenger.But let me give you some ground rules for those conversations. These aren’t stipulations you’ll hear from a debate moderator or high school debate coach. But for those of us who are followers of Jesus, they are required. If you hold to these principles, you can have healthy discussions with your coworkers, your kids or parents, and even your spouse. And yes, I think that when we are overwhelmingly supportive of them, agreeable and encouraging, an occasional healthy debate even with those closest to you can and should benefit the relationship.

• Be honest. Always tell the truth. Never lie. Do not deceive, even in a subtle way. Be a trustworthy person that people can count on for the veracity of your words. And... tell the truth about yourself. When you are wrong, admit it. Admit it when your opponent makes a good point and when you get to that place in the conversation that you realize she is right, say so. Be honest.
• Stay relevant. That is, stay on topic. You can tell when someone has made an illogical point, or they realize their line of reason is full of holes, because they conveniently start arguing about something that has little to do with the disagreement at hand. They’ll start attacking personally, bring up things from the past, revert to emotion, or tell you that you are just like someone else.
• Attack the topic, not the person. Disagreements become fights when people make them personal and descend to name-calling or character attacks. If you want your conversation to be productive, stick with the subject and go after the problem, all while encouraging the other person. Lovingly stay the course and discuss what it is that you disagree about with logic and reason, as well as understanding, and a listening ear. And do your best to help both of you arrive at the truth. Even if it means that you have to change your perspective.
• Speak with respect, kindness and grace. There’s never an excuse to be unkind. There’s never a reason to put down another person, to angrily attack and close down your own mind. We are called to “speak the truth in love”, to “be kind”, to “forgive” and for our words to always “give grace to those who hear.” That includes even in the midst of a disagreement. I’ve learned that people are willing to hear just about any hard truth you need to deliver if you frame your words with genuine love, encouragement and support.

If you stick with the above rules (all of them come from Ephesians 4) you may not win at politics, but you will win in your relationships, and you’ll win in life. Best of all, you’ll honor and please God, and as a follower of Jesus, you’ll represent him well with your words.