Don't Just Stay Married

Linda and I went to Zia’s in Chicago for our thirty-first anniversary last Tuesday. Our tradition is to talk through the past when we celebrate birthdays and anniversaries, and enjoy the memories. This year we focused on the things we would do differently if we could do it over again…not just in our marriage, but in our early life together. It was a fun conversation. For everything that we said we’d change, we then thought that maybe it would be best that it not be changed. It was a great conversation and it gave me greater appreciation for my wife, my kids, my ministry, and life in general.The one thing neither of us would change is who we married. But that wasn’t always the case. We weathered some difficult years and both of us grew individually and together before we came to appreciate our marriage. Now, celebrating thirty-one years together, let me share some thoughts that both of us have.We all have regrets. It’s good to acknowledge past mistakes. But it’s essential to move on after you do. Everyone has messed up. Every marriage goes through difficulty. It’s the emotionally and spiritually immature who are unable to let go and get past the hurts to strive for what God can give them.Forgiveness, kindness, and laughter make for the best marriages. That’s really the bottom line. Many have tried to give helpful advice to young couples starting out. But it really comes down to these three things. If you forgive one another and refuse to hold grudges and let go of offenses, if you are kind to each other (in words and tone) in all circumstances, and if you laugh together and do fun things as a couple, you will have a lifetime of enjoyable togetherness. But if one of these three are missing, you won’t make it.It’s the differences that make it interesting. You were attracted to each other because of your differences. Gender differences, personality differences, etc. But now, it’s those same differences that used to attract you, that now annoy you. It’s all a matter of perspective. If you used to think that her feminine logic was cute, then enjoy it today. If you used to be fascinated by his male mystique, then stay intrigued. If you are an outspoken female, you were probably attracted to a quiet male. Stop trying to change him. Let him be the man you were attracted to. In fact, believing you can or should change your spouse is one of the worst mistakes you can make in your marriage. Let him/her be who he/she is. Enjoy the differences.Every time you compare, you lose. That guy at work might be more talkative than your husband. Your friend’s wife might seem more supportive of him. But you only see a little bit and one side.  Remember, while you can always find someone who “appears” to be better than your spouse, there are lots of people out there who “appear” to be better than you. The fact is, as soon as you begin to compare, outwardly or inwardly in your mind, you lose. You create an unrealistic fantasy that your spouse can never live up to and you’ll always be dissatisfied. Your marriage suffers, and you lose.No one has ever won an argument. Is it really worth it? Will the cap left off the toothpaste or the unchanged toilet paper roll matter a month from now? No. But the argument will. The truth is, there might come a day when you long to have someone forgetting to put the cap back on the toothpaste. I know people right now who would love to have clean the counter after someone else. When two people argue, they both lose. Some tough conversations have to be had. But only when love is obvious and the goal is the building up of one another. And not every problem has to be discussed. Some things need to simply be forgiven. You might feel better after letting off steam. But your marriage won't.Commitment is the key. Linda and I made just about every mistake I listed above. We held grudges, we weren’t always kind and didn’t laugh together enough, we tried to change each other, made some unhealthy comparisons, and argued about silly things. But during those tough and selfish times, we never let up on our commitment to God and our marriage. We never once mentioned the “D” word, or considered separating. We made it through because we were absolutely committed to making it work. And because of that commitment, we learned the lessons above that I’m blessed to share with you now. You made a vow on your wedding day. Not just to stay married, but to love one another for the rest of your lives. If you honor that vow, you can learn to practice the above principles and enjoy a lifetime of enjoyable togetherness.